...I (in)sincerely love you

I found my quest beginning at a University end of exams party. All glammed up, in my silver dress, killer pumps and blinged up diamante necklace, I did a quick Coco Chanel “always remove something before departure”, and chose to leave my common sense. Seemed like a fair trade-off.


The weather was cold and in the taxi my friends we were wondering if we had made the right decision braving the extremities for a measly after exams event. Unfortunately, everyone else also seemed to have fought off the urge to retire to their warm beds and the line for entry was horrendous. Luckily at the front of the line was Catherine, who, upon seeing me from a distance called me over and snuck me into the line saving me a good forty minutes (and an entry without frizzy hair).


Proceeding entry into a venue, all girls are aware that it is mandatory to do a quick lap to scout out the talent. This lap determines a) where you position yourself, and b) if it’s worth staying at the venue for longer than the socially accepted hour.  Walking past the bar, I was paralysed by a gorgeous pair of green eyes which locked with mine. They were piercing, sparkling emerald green. His gaze lingered with mine, almost holding me like superglue.  Momentarily dazzled, I quickly retreated to seek refuge in the sanctity that was the girls’ bathroom. Taking several minutes to regroup, I re-emerged only to be caught like a deer in headlights by his radiant smile.
                “I am in love with you”, green eyed boy exclaimed beamingly (WARNING #1- the insincere proclamation of love),
                “Pardon me?” I said, a little confused
                “I said....you have toilet paper on your shoe”, pointing down to my heels (which had no toilet paper attached). He then smiled factiously, grabbed me gently by the arm and said,
                “My name is Daniel.** Let me buy you a drink, you look a bit startled”
...and that was it...simply and eloquently executed...and he had me... hook, line and sinker. Needless to say, I did not leave his side for the remainder of the night.
Ok ok, I can’t be too hard on myself. So, green eyed boy had me at “I love you”? Well, I guess as far as situations go, no girl can be blamed for falling for the guy who tells them “I love you”. Pretty sure “hello” has gotten some girls.  Then again, even I cannot justify my blindness to this guy’s overt lack of sincerity.
So how did I not see this you ask? Honestly, I do not know. He moved at such a rapid rate, I was unable to detect any danger signs. I guess it’s an art form he has down pat... kind of like the waltz or when an eagle circles its prey from the sky. So smooth, so swift, so effortless.
Moving along..everything was running smoothly, we had transitioned nicely from the point of casually dating, to seeing each other on a regular basis. I had met his parents (albeit briefly), and I was even considering inviting him over to meet mine. A typical law student and naturally well rounded intellectual person, he had a lot to contribute conversationally. Our first date lasted a whopping nine hours, just because we were able to talk so freely about a variety of topics. I felt as though things were really on track with him. Finding the one was easy! The end.




...But then...
”Brrriinnggg Brrriinnngggg”
We were cuddling watching 'Suddenly Thirty' (my favourite movie ever!) I know,  I know..isn’t he sweet that he rented it out for us!
“Daniel? Are you going to answer your phone?”
“Oh hang on, I have to go to the bathroom”... as he casually grabbed the phone from his pocket and proceeded to answer as he walked away,
“Hello... Hi Candice, can I call you back? No, no, what do you mean a girl’s voice? It’s no one...no one is here...I am home alone”...
Now, before you jump to conclusions, no...Daniel didn’t have a girlfriend... Daniel had an ex girlfriend. Not just any ex girlfriend, an ex girlfriend who still assumed the role of girlfriend in his life. Sorry, that makes no sense... I’ll rephrase...Daniel was still in love, and (regularly) fucking his ex girlfriend.
As Daniel walked back into the room, he turned to me,
“Sorry babe, that was my ex, Candice, she isn’t over me and can’t handle it when I see other girls”
“How long have you been over?”
“...oh, about a year and a half” (WARNING #2: Not over his ex!)
...a year and a half? ... Jesus! How did she have so much control over him when they had been over for so long?
Ahhhh! Then I remembered the power of the vagina!
“So, why did you two break up?”
“Well, we were fighting lot, and she was expecting too much commitment from me...  (WARNING # 3: Commitment issues) ...see, that’s what I like about us... you don’t pressure me into anything more serious...we are happy just seeing each other”... (WARNING #4: a statement of a LACK of intention)


Incase you’re wondering...yes, I DID stupidly keep seeing him (for close to six months) HOPING that we would start exclusively dating, but we never did. You know why? Because he TOLD me from the outset that he wasn’t interested in that. He did not at any point lead me to believe otherwise. So what did I become? I became a glorified booty call... who would see him intermittedly (when it suited HIM) thinking that the longer I stayed with him, the more he'd realise how AWESOME  I was, and he’d finally realise that he would HAVE to make me his girlfriend. Does this sound familiar girls?


Alas, it didn’t quite work out that way.  My reality check came soon enough...He went overseas for a few weeks over the summer and when he arrived back home I went around to visit him at his apartment. He popped out to the store to get us something to eat for half an hour, so naturally...I snooped around looking for photos or evidence of other girls, or worse...his ex! (WARNING # 5: lack of trust!)  I almost regret that I did, because in his luggage I found three packets on half used condoms. Not one, but THREE. (WARNING # 6: PROOF that he was seeing other girls). Yes, he had been a busy boy. And even with all my hopeful naivety, I Came to the conclusion that Daniel was infact a dickhead. So I grabbed my stuff, wrote him a quick note “good to see you had a great time overseas” (attached with an unused condom)... I know it had blown my cover that I had “snooped” but who cares! He never contacted me again, and I was not the least bit surprised...or upset.


I had recently seen him at a bar talking to a girl pointing to her shoe, and frankly, I felt so sorry for her, because he is one guy that entraps you emotionally, but offers you nothing for your heart. In a way, I am glad he hurt me so abruptly, because sometimes you NEED that to just get up and go. Sometimes you just need something to smash those rose coloured glasses you’re wearing and see them for who they truly are. And in Daniel’s case... his once mesmerising eyes became a deep shade of putrid pus green.


So what can we learn from this guy? What were HIS deal breakers?
-          If you have become a booty call... you will never become a girlfriend!
-          If he is in love with his ex...he will never love you
-          Never believe in sincere gestures of affection...because that’s what they are...insincere.
-          If you don’t trust him...chances are it’s for a good reason...


one down..several to go! Watch out boys!!


** Name has been changed...der!

The beginning..."No man is completely useless..he can always serve as a bad example"

To write a blog seems fairly egocentric, to read a blog, slightly perverted… so I guess that makes us both equally fucked up?! On that embracing note, welcome! I’ve never written a blog before…infact I have issues with the word “blog”. Look, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there is a reason why it’s called a blog (and I cannot be bothered wikipedia-ing it to find out)..but frankly, it just doesn’t sound right. I put it in the category of ‘uncomfortable words’ such as “moist”, “stiffy” and “poo”…hardly relevant, but I think it’s the little things like this that define us.



So what sparked on my decision to get a blog? I’ve always been an avid journal writer. I found great comfort in the pen (and more recently, keyboard) particularly through my teenage years. I wrote mainly to vent, mainly bad things, and 83% of the time, whilst I was crying and scoffing black jelly beans listening to Savage Garden (wow… epic!) The combination of sweet indulgences, hybrid of emotions, a severed heart and the ability to type quicker than I censor made for some entertaining entries.

It’s interesting to think about when I resorted to the comfort of my journal- I’d say nearly all my entries were linked in some way shape or form to a boy. A boy? How pathetic of me! When did my obsession with finding a suitable man begin? ... I blame the day I turned 21. A celebration of entering adulthood, with responsibilities, goals and a reasonable idea of where I thought my life was heading... I had recently ended a three year relationship with my high school boyfriend to the devastation of my family and friends. The truth of the matter was, quite simply, that we were incompatible and the longer we spent together, the more apparent this became. Fundamentally, we valued different things and more importantly wanted different things from our lives. These things were non-negotiable. The break up was hurtful, yet liberating. We were just not right for each other, and in hindsight, it was the best decision for both of us. Although the breakup was essentially amicable, we are not friends. Nor will we ever be friends. It’s just something that I don’t do. I’m not friends with my ex boyfriends...they’ve seen me naked.

My twenty first birthday marked the beginning of a frequent and annoying occurrence... the incessant nagging from my (ethnic, slightly old-fashioned) grandparents of when I, (the eldest in the family), was going to “settle down”.

...How was I, a woman in life, supposed to get by without a man? How would I cope without a man to rely on? Didn’t I want to raise a family? ...were my grandmother’s sentiments. She continued... I was at University to meet a husband. Forget my degree, forget a career, forget independence... without a man...I am nothing! A mere and “abnormal” unfortunate spinster (+/- cats)!



Now, although I was not partial to her pleas, nor did I agree with her above remarks, deep down, like most girls, I desired to have a serious relationship. For me, commitment was not an issue (I had only had a long term relationship), and frankly, the reason why I hadn’t embarked on another relationship was due to not having found someone suitable.



So that’s where it began...the year of my 21st birthday, my active quest to find Mr. Right, in amongst a sea of Mr. Right Nows...

 Fast forward two years, with my first ever overseas trip looming (sorry Nonna for continuing my independence!), I endeavoured to meet up with as many close friends and family as possible before my departure. Two days before my trip, I had found out some terrible news with regards tomy health. I was quite concerned and in an attempt to distract myself I stayed up for a good portion of the night chatting with a close friend. I was sitting discussing the most recent “Wanker” I had dated (and believe me, after I tell you the story, you’ll realise how euphemistic the description of “Wanker” is). It got us on the discussion of what is the difference between a “Mr Right Now” and a “Mr Right”.. What are the criterions? What are the deal beakers? Now, everyone is different, so naturally what is on my list of criteria will be different to yours, but I believe that for any girl who wants a life-long committed relationship (disclaimer...this is very different to a “committed” relationship...I’ll explain later), there are certain “no-nos” that every girl should know. Certain “Deal breakers” that should send you running! Unfortunately, I didn’t run from these situations, but alas, I survived to tell the tale (someone had to take one for the team!) “Mr Right now” came in a variety of different (and often deceptive) forms. Every relationship I have had to date has introduced me to a new (and in some cases, several) deal breakers.


Several years from where it all started I am writing this blog in attempt to share my experiences to save you the hassle of finding them out the hard way. You will no doubt have some of your own personal deal breakers, so definitely feel free to add them to your list... don’t be shy... this is your life long partner we’re talking about.. Not your 1st year science Biology Lab partner.






So let the introductions begin… enter Daniel…